Rant Mode ... ON !!

Dora and Diego must DIE - That is the law.

2005-10-12T14:53:00.000-04:00

Jesus H. Christ, my brain is mush.

So, my piece of junk car breaks down last night. OK, to be honest, it has been hurting for a while, but last night I finally got around to getting some basic stuff that might help alleviate the problem, like Spark Plugs, yeah, I am a lazy bastard, and I don't take care of my car. I hammer it with 60 mile a day commutes and no regular maintenance.

Anyway, there I am changing the spark plugs, and the 3rd plug is located UNDERNEATH the valve heads. Volkswagen left just enough space for a small Indonesian boy to get his hand in there, and pull the goddamn plug. Before I located the plug, I was starting to get frantic, as the light was dwindling fast, and I was remembering the bitchin' 1981 Camaro I used to have where you had to literally pull the front tires off to get at two of the spark plugs, fucking geniuses at Chevy, but hey, that's another story.

So, long story short (too late, I know) I found the wire, and pulled it, and the wire came popping out of the plug. Yay, I'm now fucked. Too late to get a set of Spark Plug wires, so I'm automatically forced to take the next day off so I can go fishing for parts, and get it fixed.

So, this morning rolls around, and I go to the auto parts store, they don't have the part. I come home, becuase my wife's Grandfather who has been staying with us for a few days after he broke his wrist last week, is due to go home today. She has to run him to the doctor, then home, all the way up in Baltimore. Meanwhile, I get left on kid doody, watching my 3 year old.

TiVo has changed my life in so many ways, it's not even funny. I will describe that in another episode, but though TiVo is the shit, it also means that I have 30 odd episodes of Dora the Explorer and 20 odd episodes of Go Diego Go on my TiVo. So, the 3 year old decides she wants to watch Dora, and I put it on for her. When Dora is over, it's time (apparently) for Diego, no problem, I put Diego on for her. Then comes Dora, and Diego, and then Dora, then Diego, then Diego again, then Dora, and Diego, then Dora, Dora, Diego, Dora, Diego. CHRIST!!

Now I know I am a piss poor parent for letting her watch all that TV, but hey, I'll undoubtedly pick myself apart for that another day.

Dora and Diego must fucking DIE. What the hell is up with those shows?. I swear, after 3 hours of this shit, I feel the need to go and watch hardcore porn just so I can get about as far from Diego and Dora world as possible. I've watched so much of this shit, that I have started to pick out the little inconsistencies, and inequities in their screwed up little universes. Because I had to sit through them, I'm going to now lay them all out, and since you are reading this, you will listen...that is the law.

Dora and Diego live on the Island of Doctor Moreau.

Talking Animals - What the hell?. I'm not against talking animals at all, but on these shows, some of them talk, some of them don't, and some of them talk, but only speak Spanish. Who the hell decides which animals get to be the talking variety? Who decides which ones will speak, but only in a foreign languange?. Who decides which animals don't get to talk at all, except to make whatever noises they actually make in the wild?. Not to mention the fact that Dora's buddy Boots the Monkey apparently speaks both, but that's OK because his Daddy is a fucking architect, so apparently, he's educated. Why make them animals if they are going to have jobs for god's sake? Animals don't HAVE to have jobs, that's what's so great about being an animal!. All animals have to do, is sleep, eat, shit, and fuck....period.

And on Diego they throw you for a loop entirely since his little animal buddy is a baby Jaguar, and when we first meet him on Dora, all he does is meow, but on Diego, he speaks English.

So, here you go boys and girls.......PROOF! From the Sayer of the Law himself....

Not to go on all-fours; that is the Law

The animals in Dora and Diego's world routinely walk about on their hind legs.

Not to suck up Drink
Not to eat Fish or Flesh; that is the Law

The animals in Dora and Diego's world routinely eat cake and other sweet goodies. They also routinely dine with Dora and the other humans at picnic tables, and eat from plates and drink from glasses etc.

Not to claw the Bark of Trees; that is the Law

OK, so I don't know if they do not claw the bark of trees, but all the other stuff fits.

Not to chase other Men; that is the Law

Not only do the animals in Dora and Diego's world not chase other Men, they hang out with Humans, and become their best friends. They go to school together!.

Evil are the punishments of those who break the Law. None escape.

OK, so admittedly, the animals on Doctor Moreau's island eventually regressed, and killed everyone. Unfortunately, that has not yet happened yet in Dora's little world, but maybe someday.....

If you have read this from start to finish, then I am sorry. Please do not contact me in any attempt to refute what I have said. Also, I will not honor any requests to return the last 10 minutes of your life to you.

No Talent HACKS - Issue #1

2005-10-11T10:56:00.000-04:00

Being a long time guitar player, my musical tastes tend to gravitate towards actual musicians. What is an actual musician you ask? Well, let's go to the tape...

mu·si·cian - One who composes, conducts, or performs music, especially instrumental music.

That being said, my definition of musician is someone who can play an instrument, and/or write their own songs. Do I consider myself a musician?. Not really. I am a pretty fair hand at the guitar, and have been told I can sing my arse off. However, beyond playing songs I like, I don't really have the spark to create my own stuff.

So, by process of elimination, we have just eliminated 85% of the schlock you hear on the radio these days. I don't consider Rappers to be musicians. Likewise, people who "sample" the music of actual musicians have a special place in the dark recesses of my heart. Other denizens of that region include "singers". Yes, by that, I mean the Britneys, Ashlees, Jessicas, and others who do little more than shake their fake tits and asses to something someone else wrote, and yet other people actually perform, and get paid millions. I'm not singling out the women here, I feel the same way about all those freaking boy bands too.

So, when I happened upon the following IMDB article today, I just about blew chunks...

http://www.imdb.com/news/wenn/2005-10-11/#3

The "Brave Singer" as she was referred to makes me want to vomit. She should have been stripped of her fame, and put against a wall when it was proven beyond the shadow of doubt that she was truly a no talent hack the first time. Clearly, this is someone whose physical appearance is not revolting, and who can carry a basic tune in a studio. Those qualities, DO NOT , a musician or celebrity make.

But, the great "teeming unwashed" as I like to call them, that comprise 90% of our population don't give a rat's ass what is real, and what is not. They just sit down in front of the TV, put on a bib to catch the drool, and wait to be entertained, and informed. If those people can't see the obvious, or choose to ignore it once they have seen it, then the sooner they all march off a cliff, the better we all will be.

Next issue - Celebrity Idolatry

The Alpha

2005-10-11T09:22:00.000-04:00

So, wow, a blog....I'm becoming such a hippie.

That star in the upper left hand corner makes me think I am in the Chinese Army. That shit has got to go. So, bear with me whilst I edit the template to suit my own maniacal tastes.

EDIT - OK, that template was horrible, it had to go. See you in hell dinner plate.

I had to choose MechamaniacZ as my blog name since someone had already taken my usual "nom de guerre"....Mechamaniac.